I can finally say I love myself.

“For the first time, I can finally say I love myself.” I wrote in my journal on my 29th birthday, while enjoying my favorite spiced chai (not too sweet w/ oat milk) at my favorite coffee shop, after treating myself to a birthday yoga class and day off.

This was a transformative moment of awareness for myself, because for a decade, through my teens and twenties, I was in a very different understanding of who I was in the world and how i felt about myself.

Feeling trapped by depression and the self deprecating thoughts in my head.

Beating myself down day after day.

On autopilot.

Feeling like I had no control.

One day sitting on the floor, overweight, depressed, not understanding why I wasn’t happy with my life.

I had a caring partner I loved and who loved me, I loved my new career as a massage therapist and yet I still felt depressed, disconnected and unfulfilled.

In that moment, decide I was sick of living my life this way.

Got into therapy.

Started practicing yoga and self care more regularly.

Eventually trained in and started teaching yoga.

And then one day, one of my wonderful massage clients, who is an incredible human and inspiration in my life, randomly recommended a podcast.

On this podcast they were discussing how we can control our own thoughts. And that our thoughts are what create our emotions which create our actions which create our reality!

And my mind exploded!

This may be old, unexicting news for you.

But for me in that moment it was transformational!

The idea I could choose, on purpose, to change thoughts that seemed on self-deprecating autopilot was a completely new concept for me.

Today I get to be grateful for the past versions of myself (every past version) knowing where the journey has led me today! A multi passionate badass, who has created radical self love and self compassion.

Not in the ego “I only love myself” kind of way but in the way of speaking kind, supportive thoughts to myself rather than berating and belittling myself.

By allowing myself to be upset and feel my uncomfortable feelings, rather than numbing them out.

By caring for my body through movement and eating food that makes me feel good, rather than sitting on the couch eating til I’m uncomfortable.

By intentionally doing little things throughout my day that bring me joy, like admiring my blooming houseplants or taking a 15 minute walk to admire how beautiful the sky and landscape is.

I am grateful today for trudging through the mud, getting stuck on the side of the mountain in the snow storm, doing what felt like work to get to the point where I am today, where I can truly say I love myself.

Now realizing on this side of the mountain, that the real work was living in that dark place, rather than doing the scary thing and jumping in on one of the greatest adventures of my life, of getting to know, love and accept myself, scars and all.

In love, light and gratitude, have a beautiful rest of your day.

-Kelsey